How I Came to the Goddess

It’s been about 4 years of me actively seeking the feminine perspective in the Divine. Honestly, as has been my track record, I started looking in this direction because of excruciating physical pain. A little backstory: I broke 3/4 of my lower left leg while working as a ski patroller and had two surgeries: one titanium rod placed in my tibia and then another surgery to remove the screws that held it in place while it healed around the rod. This was in 2006 and 2007. The excruciating pain didn’t develop until about 8 years later. To combat the pain, I tried SO many therapies, traditional and non-traditional, but kept sensing that there was a deeper, more spiritual reason for the pain. I was part of a church at the time and tried all the prayers and “laying on of hands” and “soaking” practices and times that I could, but the pain got worse. It literally felt like my body was tightening and constricting, I would even use the word rebelling, against all that I was doing. I knew there had to be another way and the church wasn’t providing an answer or clue.

During this time, I began to actively teach Yin Yoga and found the slower, more meditative, contemplative, and inward focused style to be so healing for me; the pain in my body began to lessen and I could feel my body begin to loosen up. The word yin is Chinese and literally means: the passive female principle of the universe, characterized as female and sustaining and associated with earth, dark, and cold. The dark part of yin intrigued me and scared me. I had recently completed 3 years at a Christian Ministry School and darkness was always equated with evil, but I began to wonder if the darkness was where I actually needed to go…

I began to research and test this darkness and what I found was eye-opening. As with the Chinese, all other cultures equate darkness as feminine, the womb, night time, inward gazing, contemplation/meditation, the other half of the Divine. I had not heard any of this in my decade or so of Christian teaching! So, I cautiously began to explore this darkness, pushing boundaries, limits, and edges and continued to find healing for my leg as I confronted fears and began to find out for myself the difference between darkness that heals and darkness that is evil. (There is definitely a difference! I was thankful for my Christian training to build so solidly a foundation on the Divine to be able to test this limit and know that s/he had me, held me, and fully supported my childlike wonder and exploration and was Her/Himself the one providing the healing.)

This inward, dark, earthly journey lead me to many places: New York to study with Regena Thomashauer who operates the School of Womanly Arts, it lead me to co-lead a Goddess retreat in Greece to study more about her ways, and in late 2017, took me to India to study a modern culture that worships the feminine through tantra, temple worship, chanting, and yoga. All these things continued to lead me back to Her, to where She truly lives: inside.

What I’ve found is that so many modern religions shun things of the earth and elevate the “higher” perspective of the Divine. This “higher” perspective of the Divine is most often of the Divine masculine perspective and I think in large part because He is orderly, controlled, predictable, straightforward, and logical: it’s the mind and the brain. (For more about the differences between the Divine masculine and feminine check out my most popular blog: Are You a Sissy?)

I feel like I’ve gotten a 4-year degree on the Goddess: I’ve travelled, watched 100s of documentaries and movies, listened to podcasts and Youtube videos, read dozens and dozens of books and articles, taken hours of trainings and seminars and workshops focused on the goddess, had 1000s of hours conversations, and none of it fully satisfied, which is just Her style: she is constantly changing, drawing us closer, enticing us into her bosom, and awakening the scary places with not only compassion, love, kindness, and fun, but with a seductive like quality that I find irresistible. And this my friends, is the feminine, and, why I continue to be drawn to her. The pain in my leg is much less now, it still limits me in things, but I’m using it like a divining rod to lead me to the omnipotent Divine and all her/his magical and mysterious ways.

If you want to join my Goddess journey, I’m leading a weekly class called Goddess Fusion Flow and I’m planning another Goddess Retreat and workshops: all the details for those will be here when they are decided.

Jai Ma and namaste!

xxoo

Sleepless nights during Eclipse Season

This is my second night of off-and-on, lucid sleep with long periods of being awake, and I’m reminded of all the astrological goings on I’ve read about regarding Thursday’s New Moon eclipse, the partial solar eclipse later in the month, and the full moon eclipse after that.

What I’ve been reading is that this eclipse season is about endings and new beginnings, and one where I am feeling a personal embrace of all things of the earth, including astrology and how the planets, their spins and orbits, and sun and moon alignments affect us all.

We have been trained to be logical, productive work horses, in all of our schooling and formative years of our life, there has always been this pressure to perform, not to be, not to intuit, and especially not to enjoy, even these temporary nights of restlessness. This is where I’m finding one of my endings and new beginnings: a letting go of the performance anxiety, letting go of having to sleep a perfect 8-hour night starting at the exact moment I lay down, and I am embracing even more the way of the mystical, the feminine, the slower, contemplative, unproductive, and more mysterious ways of the universe. I’m finding it to be soooo much less anxiety-producing, soooo much more fun, so much more calming, so much more me.

And then, as if to confirm and affirm this all, I saw 2, bright, huge, shooting stars, 3 nights ago, from my backyard, in the heart of Redding. Shooting stars symbolize this very thing: endings and new beginnings. And like the New Moon, they ask us to wish for, or set intentions for, our heart’s desires.

So, as I’m laying awake now, at 4:13 am, having been awake for about an hour, listening to super soothing meditative music, I’m asking myself this very question: what do I yearn for? What kind of wish do I want to send out, into the stars….? Looks like I have some time to dream about it…. 💫

Read more about these astrological influences:

http://www.mysticmamma.com

http://chaninicholas.com

What is Earthing?

Earthing, or grounding, is a profound and simple way to reconnect with our natural harmony and rhythm of life. This is the way we are designed to live: connected, whole, in-tune.

To put it briefly, when bare feet or skin comes in contact with the earth, the body receives free electrons: these electrons are nature’s biggest antioxidants and help neutralise damaging excess free radicals that can lead to inflammation and disease. The Earth is a large and natural conductor of free electrons, as are all living things on the planet, including people. Because our body is composed of mostly of water and minerals, we are excellent conductors of electrons, providing there is direct skin contact or some other conductive channel for them to flow through.

In our modern life of always wearing shoes and being mostly inside toxic and synthetic material buildings, we have lost contact with the earth and thus have lost our biggest source of antioxidants and healing power.

BENEFITS of EARTHING:

  • Reduce inflammation and improve or eliminate the symptoms of many inflammation related disease
  • Reduce or eliminate chronic pain
  • Improve sleep and promote deeper sleep
  • Increase energy and vitality
  • Lower stress and promote calmness in the body by cooling down the nervous system and lowering stress hormones
  • Normalize the body’s biological rhythms providing a connection to mother nature and earth’s natural rhythm of life
  • Improve blood pressure and flow
  • Relieve muscle tension and headaches
  • Lessen hormonal and menstrual symptoms including PMS
  • Speeds healing time and can prevent bedsores
  • Reduces or eliminates jet lag
  • Protects the body against potentially health disturbing environmental electromagnetic fields (EMFs)
  • Accelerates recovery from intense athletic activities

How earthing is done: 

  • Swim in rivers, oceans, or lakes
  • Garden with bare hands
  • Lay or walk on the Earth for 30 or more minutes
  • Hug a live tree
  • Lean up against a live tree
  • Camp and sleep on the earth
  • Wear natural leather-soled shoes instead of synthetic rubber/plastic shoes
  • Wear Earth Runner sandals for everyday life and athletic pursuits
  • Convert existing shoes into earthing footwear with a DIY kit

There have been major studies done by several governmental organizations including the US National Institute of Health about the benefits of earthing and grounding. The US NIH study in particular is fascinating and confirms all the above. Check it out here.

What are grounding techniques:

Besides the above list, I personally earth, or ground, in these ways:

  • I live in a house that has unfinished concrete floors
  • I wear leather slippers and leather moccasins as often as I can
  • I walk barefoot as much as possible
  • I have a pair of Earth Runner sandals (I got the Circadian sandals because they are the most water friendly), socks, and have converted other shoes of mine using a DIY kit from Earth Runners
  • I practice grounding meditations
  • Yoga Nidra’s
  • I host yoga classes, events, and retreats outdoors
  • Paddleboard Yoga
  • I bask in hot springs as often as I can and hold a yearly Hot Springs Retreat, info about it will be here when it’s happening)

Mother Earth. She is our home and she is so much more than that. We are made of her. We are her. Our disconnect from her have caused many health, psychological, and spiritual dis-eases as a result.

Here’s the getting back to our roots. Here’s to health. Let me know how it goes.

xoxo

My Not So Sublime Shakti Pilgrimage in India

This trip took me to places I was afraid to go: inside myself, with others, and deep into the Divine Feminine.

Amongst filth I didn’t know possible, hotels crawling with bed bugs, rats, black mold, and bats, we seemed to travel back in time to a culture of depth and rich history, visiting Hindu Goddess temples, some of which still practice animal-sacrifice, to study the remnants of matriarchal society, Goddess worship, and all Her beautiful aspects.

I fell to pieces here in India. The Goddess (a female representation/perspective/aspect of God) has picked up the pieces, filling in places with holes; I had no safe arms to crawl into, nothing familiar to steady myself with, I had to rely on Her, in me, and feel, cry, laugh, gasp, stand in shock, and experience all that is within and around.

This struggle, this rupture, has given me the opportunity to make Her mine, to see Her strength within me, to know Her as my Goddess, to own the female image of God and all her aspects, flavors, and nuances.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I needed to be on this Sublime Shakti Pilgrimage, this trip was an answer to a deep aching prayer I’ve been praying, perhaps since the moment of my conception. This trip has brought together so many of the fragmented truths I’ve known and learned and felt and questioned.

There’s a primal wisdom inside us all and She wants to remake us into who we are meant to be, owning our dark places, standing in our truth, feeling our vulnerability, so we can know our radiance, no matter how hospitable or inhospitable our environment, how supportive or unsupportive our leaders, how familiar or unfamiliar each situation is.

To my fellow travelers who’ve been to India: I salute you. To my companions who experienced this 3-week pilgrimage with me: I love you. To those of you who prayed, reached out, and stood with me from afar, thank you.

What a gift it, you, and She is. Now, I get to walk this out in my home land…. ok. Jai ma.

xoxo

5 Self Care Practices:

Have you noticed that in some season’s (either literally: the winter, or, a week, a few days, or even for just a moment) you feel this overwhelming need to stop, be quiet, to take a breath, call a good friend? Have you ever noticed those times that you just crave the simple? How do you respond to such a feelings, honestly? What if these senses or feelings were God/the Universe whispering….?

Taking a break is divinely orchestrated: built in daily as “night” and the human (and animal) requirement to sleep, created as “winter” and the land needing to go dormant for a season to replenish and gain back the nutrients it lost while it was growing and producing during the warmer seasons. Taking a break can be induced by a deep sigh, or the diagnosis of adrenal fatigue, or otherwise. These are some of the clues that Divine Spark inside uses to get our attention, saying: “take care, please, take care of you.”

The words “self care” may spark a shutter, or a blush, bringing up thoughts of “I don’t have time for that” or really, “I just don’t want to stop” or, you may be well versed in such practices, either way, good. Good! We as individuals can only serve others to the extent at which we ourselves are filled.

Self care, on the surface, may seem selfish and egotistical, but really, it’s the most giving thing you can do.

Self-care is the most giving thing you can do for you and for God. God who lives inside you and God who lives inside of others. (For women I’ve been recently calling this Divine Spark, or God inside us, “Goddess.” I’ve been doing this to poke the box of God being a male. If you’re curious you can read more about it here.)

So, if you are feeling the pull toward self care, if you’re hearing the call, and you choose to answer, here is my list:

5 ways to self-care:

  1. Do nothing. Do absolutely nothing. When was the last time you allowed yourself to get bored? Do you know that the creative spark inside us is best tapped when we are bored? Creativity happens when we aren’t busy, when we allow ourselves time. So, lay on your bed and stare at the ceiling, sit in a lawnchair and watch the clouds float by, plop down on the couch and kick your feet up and stare out the window. Do nothing! And see what comes of it: fear, self hatred, creativity, passion, anger, frustration, peace…. maybe those things you’ve been busy-ing yourself to avoid can easily fall away with just a little time…. with just a little awareness…. peace rises up…
  2. Get a massage, mani/pedi, facial, acupuncture, sit in the sauna, take a bath, work out, go to a yoga class, take a walk, attend a retreat. These are the obvious choices for self-care, but none-the-less, super helpful.
  3. Begin that hobby you’ve been wanting and thinking about for a long time now. Let that creativity flow in art form.
  4. Womb Care: my new favorite way to self care. This is self massage. This is getting to know your body. This is facing shame, anger, self hatred, etc. This is love. This is facing love and allowing love to inhabit this beautiful physical body. I’ve been using herbal infused olive oil and gently, intuitively, rubbing my belly and female parts, slowly and with no agenda. Because of some massive trauma I’ve experienced in these areas, this goes deep. For me, this hasn’t been sexual, this has been about releasing shame and fear and softening under my own touch (which then allows me to soften underneath someone else’s). You can learn more, find the oils I use, and get more in-depth details from Amber Magnolia Hill and her Sacred Womb Care MP3. It’s been a lifeblood for me recently and my self-care/pleasure go to. (Men, I have a suspicion this could be just as good for you, but maybe call it Heroic Care…) Remember no agenda, allow feelings to arise, watch, assimilate, hold, take care, meditate, be. Love.
  5. Write a letter, read a book, swamp, listen to a podcast, watch a movie, take a nap, have a date night, have sex, meditate, take a girls/guys night, spend quality time with your kids, play hooky! Enjoy this life, this precious life who’s moments are passing by…

You make time for what’s important to you. What message are you sending if you don’t take time for you?

Know that you are enough. What you are doing is enough. Feel free to say it with me now: I am enough. I am doing enough. I am.

Enjoy you.

xoxo

Why all the talk about Goddesses?

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I’ve often categorized women as on my team or not. Those on my team I have taken with me to explore and adventure and love, but, admittedly, it has been a long practice of learning to celebrate with them for their successes and gifts. For a long time, I felt jealous or sad, even angry if they got something or had something I wanted. Now, I can honestly say that has changed and I am truly happy, proud, and grateful when my girl friend’s dreams and desires come to life. I now stand and celebrate with them, whole heartedly. But, for those not on my team, I am still working on being aware of the judgement and comparison and then, choosing how I respond, deciding if love, empathy, compassion, and celebration, is truly what I want to extend. Now, once I notice I’m judging or comparing, I am choosing to stand with them, even from afar.

For such a long time, life has been a competition and I tried to win at the XYZ game (smarts, physical ability, guys, yoga, etc.). But wow, it’s exhausting! I know I am not alone. We women learn these things from books, magazines, TV (hello: advertising is all about making us women feel less than; we then cure this feeling by buying the sh*t being touted as the miracle answer to us being fat, having cellulite, wrinkles, being tired, sick, etc.), the movies we watch (when was the last time you noticed more than one woman in a movie or a woman who didn’t talk to another woman only about guys, in a movie that wasn’t titled a “chick flick”). We women are programmed to compete and feel less than.

Now, I’m finding more and more I’m celebrating women, their dreams, their truths, their desires and like a drug addiction, it’s so much more fun. I’ve begun to call this the “Goddess Rising” phenomenon. It’s a throw back to the worship of the female entity, to a time when women were revered and celebrated, instead of crushed, held down, and told to be subservient. The word goddess evokes a stirring that something isn’t right, it pokes, it shakes, it rattles, and that is exactly the intention. The word goddess reminds us women that we too have the Divine in us.

All this started with awareness, with meditation, with yoga. From there, it moved into celebrating my own achievements and gifts and then, with this new found confidence, I began to share and talk about it/them. This practice has continued and deepened, moving into desire and longing, getting in touch with my sacred female qualities (which men have also: collaboration, joy, pleasure, sensuality, vulnerability, surrender, patience, intuition, creativity, community, etc.). All this is counter-cultural. This is risky. This is new. This isn’t easy, but it’s what the world has been missing for a few thousand years as we have swung to the worshipping of masculine traits (profit, bigger, better, faster, harder, being practical, an individual, logical, non-expressive, competitive, war).

Yoga and meditation, have been the vehicles, the tools through which this has blossomed. And now, I’m all in. It is now be my life’s mission to follow my deepest yearnings and desires, no matter how scary or hard or weird, and be here to champion the same in others.

So, here’s to desires realized and the tree of life growing from their actualization. (Proverbs 13:12)

“The greatest threat to a woman’s happiness and success is her own negative judgment of herself, and other women.

Every flower/woman has her very own unique way of blooming.

I have mine.

You have yours.

She has hers.

The point is to damn the torpedoes and bloom.

Full speed ahead, and bloom.

Bloom in this lifetime.

Bloom now.

Really. Right now.

Don’t let the cultural prejudices against blooming stop you from stepping up to your own plate.

Don’t wait, just in case we don’t get another round.

Bloom, even if the sun generated from another woman’s light hurts your eyes.”

Regena Thomashauer

This pic is from one of my many adventures with the goddesses Heather Phillips and Tara Huff. 💞 So thankful for these and the other women in my life! And, now, I’m truly thankful for those women not in my life, I’m celebrating you too.

xoxo

Ecstatic dance: pleasure in movement

Ecstatic dance:

pleasure

delight

moving this living body, in all those ways where shame has lingered

moving out anger

expressing joy

feeling frustration

feeling hunger

feeling empowerment

all within, the physical body.

This dance is about what feels good, what feels good within, within the body. This is a primal, animalistic movement at it’s simplest. This is movement without judgement, where compassion, love, joy, pain, fear, anything and everything goes and where it surfaces, to be let out, to be seen, to be heard, to be felt. Through ecstatic dance, we own it, face it, become it, noticing when we’re pushing, forcing, seeing the pain that we’ve experienced or are causing. We can choose another way, another movement, another action. This dance: an opportunity to celebrate mistakes, learn from them, change direction, try again, with no judgement but our own. We can move our hips to the left, circling, dropping down, twerking, or not, to do nothing….. Maybe it’s a stomp of the feet, over and over and over and over again!!! Maybe it’s a slap of the thigh or the wall, or a caress of the cheek, a slow touch along the waist….. The ecstatic dance floor forces nothing. Ecstatic dance is all choice. It’s ecstasy. It’s pain. It’s real. It’s raw. It’s sexy. It’s ugly. It’s a lot of movement and no movement. It’s slow. It’s fast. Ecstatic dance is easy, it’s hard. It’s an animalistic groan or a loud shout. It’s a burst of energy and a slow grind. This dance could be said it’s not even a dance at all, it’s somatic: our subconscious/consciousness inhabiting this living body, and finally we’ve found a place, a safe place, to show it, reveal it, let it out, to let it be known.

We become with ecstatic dance. We un-become. This is a moving meditation where you can watch yourself becoming a woman or a man who enjoys this body, movement, play, expressing who you are through your own, unique, movement.

I do this dance at home, by myself, and with a group where the energy of others encourages me that I can go further, face fears, and that I’m normal, I’m just like everyone else. In a group I feel the connection of humankind, we are one, we all have these same struggles and joys, and so, with the group we go further than we could alone.

Join me anytime (click here for my group offerings) and let me know how it goes.

Namaste my loves.

xoxo

What men want 

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In my yearning to learn and grow and understand how the world works, my role in it, and how my desires might be better fueled with this enlightenment, I’ve been passionately expanding my breath of knowledge about how relationships between men and women work best. To date, one of the most helpful and profound gifts I’ve received was a video titled “A Plea to Women” from John Wineland. I have listened and watched this video over the past 9 months to the point where I have it nearly memorized, but, it’s not just his words that are so dynamic, it’s his heart. Each passionate syllable he speaks awakens within me the divine goddess called woman that I am and it hasn’t been easy. This is edgy work!  I’ve grown more and more in touch with my femininity and what that looks like for me and the men (and other women!) in my life.

Here are my notes from “A Plea to Women” video. Welcome to the awakening:

1. Celebrate the differences between men and women. Find my curiosity and playfulness within this. Have fun with our differences!

2. Know that my man loves range. He craves range! Let myself be the sassy co-ed, the divine light and mother, and the cock-worshipping whore.

3. What works well in business and at work is not the same as what helps a relationship be successful. My man doesn’t want to know what book to read or what therapist he should see. He wants my vulnerability. He wants to hear how he has disappointed me or how sad I am about his action(s). He wants to hear and feel my heart so he can get the chance to be my hero.

4. Even if I’m super angry at him, find something in him that I trust and love. Honor him with that.

5. Be angry! Don’t settle for his bullshit.

6. Surrender to him. Find ways to trust him, let go, and as some men would call it, be submissive…..

7. Flow, open, and move my body. Connect with the womanly art of passion and desire while moving. “Less tough mudder, more sacred dance.” As the song says: there’s something in the way she moves, not in the way she thinks.

8. Slow down: how I speak, how I move.

9. I more often want more, while he more often wants less, so pause and feel first, before I give him what I want to give him. Listen and tap into my intuition, not logic, with him and our relationship.

10. Love him with the same amount of energy that I used when I was angry.

11. My man wants to love me well. He is dying to love me well, but he is different, think simple.

12. I have every right to be angry at the centuries of oppression, at the over-sexulatization of our culture, at the abuse, but the question is now: what do I want to create? I have been given a new beginning, what do I want to create with my man, because he wants to create with me.

What I’ve found most helpful is to not try to get this “right”, but instead, to be open and communicative as I work these truths out in and for myself, both with my girl friends and my guy, and humbly ask for help. With the world having oppressed women for so long, we are just beginning to see the light as to how much so and who we really are as women, and what that looks like for each of us as individuals. We are products of our environment and we can stay that way, or we can overcome. The more I delve into the divine feminine the more good fruit I see and feel within and around me, so, I believe it’s worth it.

Can you feel it? Does this ring true in the deepest part of yourself?

Enjoy the journey. This. This what our life is about.